It's been a while since I've been on here! Haven't written anything in ages and that's because I've been way too busy. We got out of lockdown, life returned to semi normal and then all of a sudden at the end of the year...my life got busier than I had meant it to. I wrote most of this post (with a couple of tweaks here and there today) about two weeks ago and have been feeling a bit better since getting it out - that's the beauty of writing! Whether you write on a blog, in your own journal or just on a scrap piece of paper to put your thoughts in to an order. It can really help you out. I have still been going on a bit of a downwards spiral, but taking every day as it comes is the only way to get by at the moment. But my friend reminded me that you can write a blog simply because you love to write, because you want to write for yourself. I get a little too caught up in people reading things and judging them...but that's normal I guess. Anyway...let me take you back nine days ago.
21-01-2021
Right now I just want to punch a wall. I want to scream and I don't mean a small scream...I want to shout from all of the frustrations built up inside of me. As this year is going on (and I'm very aware this year has just begun) I've got more and more on my shoulders that I can't escape from. And I'm ever so slightly drowning underneath it all. Some days I will wake up and just want to stay curled in my bed, curled away from life and having to move and deal with all of the things I have in front of me for the day - or even the week. Other days I manage just fine until one thing happens to upset me and I can't seem to pull my head back from it.
Triggering my anxiety seems to be getting easier and easier after last year. And I hate it. Believe me, I wish I didn't suddenly want to break down crying because of a photograph. Or get irritable on my walk with my dog because realistically I just want to be sitting at home on the couch, in my own space. Or annoyed that I'm away for Christmas because I need the sanctuary of the familiar that is my house. Thinking that I don't have any friends and shouldn't bother trying because all the friends I do have just flake on me eventually. (Except for the ones that live on the other side of the world...that one is just unfortunately what happens when you decide to move).
Everyone gets a bit overwhelmed at times and eventually snaps or just has a bad day, gets their emotions out and then gets back to it again the next day. Am I right? Well right now, the bad days never seem to make me feel any better. And the more the weeks go on, the more bad days I have.
Trying to be a new general manager, have a new puppy, get school work done, find a new place to live (that will accept a pet) and then finding time for the gym, my friends, my partner and occasionally some time to myself...there's really not enough hours in the day. And I'm slowly finding that I'm exhausted and failing at each one, because as soon as I'm done with work I don't have the energy to study. Or I have to choose between a gym workout or taking the dog for a walk before I go to work. Or is it time to hang out with friends or with my partner? And somewhere between those we have to fit in house hunting, which is taxing at the best of times.
It's just getting harder and harder to get up and do all of those things day after day with a smile on my face. Thanks to covid, I haven't taken a holiday in a very long time. I haven't even left this country in over a year...first time that's happened since I was a small child probably! I always got away for at least a couple weeks out of the year. It's exhausting me having all of this on my plate, no holidays in sight, no hope of seeing my parents for another half a year and no chance of life slowing down. I almost envy my friends abroad who are stuck in a lockdown 2.0. I wouldn't want to be in another lockdown for absolute ages, but another two weeks of just sitting around the house, no stress, no worries, time to walk the dog and do a workout and read all those books that have slowly collected on my bookshelf and in my kindle. Sounds like bliss to me.
I think with moving to New Zealand just before a pandemic made it hard for me to have any friends as well. We were locked down, we don't have backpackers coming through, hospitality isn't as busy and there's no one really around to make friends with the same as I did, when I lived here before whilst travelling Australia. Having no one to hang out with...well there's just not as many ways to blow off steam when you're always on your own.
If anyone else out there is feeling like this then I can honestly say you're not alone and hope it passes for you soon, just like I hope it does for me as well. My partner has definitely noticed the difference in my behaviour. I come home and don't want to eat dinner, so he sneakily makes me my favourite snacks to tempt me (which normally works honestly). He's amazing to be with and makes me smile everyday, but every time he goes to hang out with his mates, or we go visit his family, it just reminds me of what I don't have myself.
Best advice I can give to anyone out there who feels the same way - just do what you can!
Can't handle a gym workout? Do an at home one for twenty minutes. Saves the fuel to get there and as soon as you're done, hop straight in the shower and on to the next task or chill.
Set aside studying times and tell yourself that's your time. Don't think about it outside of that time and stress over it because you have time when you can sit and deal with it. Same with work - when you're at work, deal with work. When you leave work stop answering work calls, work messages or emails. They can wait until you're back tomorrow.
Enjoy the time you have doing whatever it is you're doing. Just focus on that one thing and that's going to help you get through. Because when I'm out walking my dog, if my brains stressed about something else, I get irritated and no longer enjoy what is normally one of the best parts of my day! Walks with the puppy, catching up on my favourite podcast with some exercise and fresh air. This morning I was on the edge of an anxiety attack and walking him felt like the biggest chore in the world.
Life was hard after this past year. And it's still causing knock on effects and stress, playing with people's emotions and ruining their plans. I think we all need to remember that every now and then, take the time to breathe and just realise that everything will be ok. I know I'm trying hard to remember that.
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