Finding yourself again when you've been lost for a long time is difficult. You want to go back to the person you were before, but you've gone through so much that it's not always possible. But what I want to try and get back, are those small pieces of me that I loved and lost somewhere along the way.
Welcome to the last year of my twenties and the year where a lot is going to happen.
Living in New Zealand post pandemic has been interesting. (Isn't it weird how we measure time as before, during and after a world wide pandemic and different lockdowns). Rotorua has definitely got a different vibe going on. A tourist town with no tourists in it, along with filling the empty motels with the homeless from around the country. Getting out of hospitality was a must for me - no backpackers or travellers took the shine out of being in a craft beer bar. Unfortunately when I left hospo, I didn't really land on my feet. The past couple of years have been some of the biggest struggles I've faced. I left hospitality for a desk job - it was in tourism, but it wasn't front line facing. If there's one thing that I've learned, it's that I'm not made for a desk job and I never will be. I slowly dulled my shine whilst working there, because I didn't enjoy what I was doing. Then I didn't really enjoy coming home either.
That was thanks to my relationship, which I didn't realise was draining me as much as it was, until it was over. Sometimes you're just standing too close to be able to see. I hit a lot of dark, depressed days over that year, especially when we had not just one, but two deaths in the family. I couldn't properly mourn them thanks to the border closures. If I flew to Scotland, I wouldn't have been able to come back to New Zealand again. I still feel sad when I think about them being gone, and not having been able to say goodbye properly to this day.
My shine was gone, my friends were all overseas, I didn't enjoy anything. So I left my job and became single. Then I was able to start trying to change what needed to be changed. I've recently met some new amazing friends, who I don't think I could imagine life without now. They really are my backbone on a bad day. I love my friends in Scotland, but the time difference normally means when I need them the most, they're asleep. I got a brand new job that I can for the first time in my life say I love. Wholeheartedly love. I still have days when I can't be bothered because I'd rather be in bed or chilling with my dog. There's parts of the job that aren't my favourite (like being outside in the cold and rain). But I genuinely never hate going to work or doing what I do.
With it being the last year of my twenties - which is terrifying in itself - I'm making the most of it. I've got about 8 weeks worth of holidays with my family, to try and make up for lost time when the borders were closed. One of those holidays is even somewhere outside of Australia and New Zealand! I haven't left this continent in almost three years, which is unheard of for me. I've got an amazing trip in March which I cannot wait for. My mum's going to be staying with me in the summer for three whole months, which means day trips all of the time. There's definitely plenty to look forward to in this next year. I remember video messaging my friend a year ago, saying that I hated my life and I wanted to end the current version of it. I wanted to somehow jump out of that life and hop in to a new improved life that I actually enjoyed and where I was proud of myself again.
Hey Caitlin, guess what? We hopped and made it.
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