"We cannot become what we want, by remaining what we are" - Max De Pree

From one change to another. And another. And another. 

The last two months have been an absolute whirlwind of adventure, boredom, contrasting weather and maybe just a hint of stress in there somewhere. From Dunedin to Christchurch, and Perth to...well Perth. Every place has been amazing. Because you know what, they are all amazing in their own ways. I've got another post all about the actual fun that was had on that trip, so this post isn't a thousand pages long. You can read that here.

In the last six months or so, I've been trying to figure out who I am again - soul searching if you want to call it that. Becoming who I'm meant to be in this next chapter of life. I think that I've always had this fear of becoming my true self, like changing who I am, I'm going to be judged for it. There's a quote that I've had in my head for the last couple of months. 
"What if I'm trying to be something I'm not?" 
"And what if you're becoming something you are?" 

I don't know where it came from - maybe I made it up. But it sticks with me. And through my time in New Zealand, the amazing people I've met and experiences I've had, I finally feel like I can step out of that comfort zone I've created and be brave enough to make those changes to be myself. Which is harder than it sounds. I've realised some hard truths about myself, things that I want to change for the better. Taking time to make those changes though, letting go of your old mindset and habbits is brutal. Hopefully worth it by the end. 

Scotland has been great, it's nice to go back and see friends and family after almost 4 years, but I've realised, it's not home. And I'm not entirely sure it will be again. It is beautiful and wonderful. Driving through the Highlands will forever leave me in awe. But it's that love of the mountains that reminded me exactly why I don't live in Scotland. The adventure to be had in other countries, is why I keep on moving. Why I keep trying new places and new things. Because I need to keep seeing what other adventures Mother Nature has to offer. I can't see a mountain without having the urge to get to the top just to be there. There's something about standing up there, the accomplishment of the effort you put in to get there. It gets hard at some points. You fall down, you look up and realise you're not even halfway there. You stand still for a moment because you can't catch your breath - it's getting harder to breath. But then you also turn around and see just how far you've come, and realise with that break, with that fall, you can collect yourself and carry on. 

It's like life. I feel like I'm in the middle of climbing that mountain. I've definitely had some deep breath moments lately and plenty more to come. I've had some falls where I just sit and wonder whether it's worth carrying on with the path I've set myself on. But of course, I committed to it, I want it, I chose it. And I know it will be worth the effort. (Well I hope so anyway). So we keep on pushing through and eventually, hopefully, I will reach that summitt. Younger Caitlin, who always had dreams of an adventurous life, would probably approve. Or realise we are crazy.

Whilst being home in Scotland, I've been asked when I'm going to settle down, when I'm going to have a family, when am I going to put down roots? And the answer to that is quite simple. Probably never. My roots are my family and friends who I love and stay exactly where they are. They're my place to return to when I need something solid. I can't rely on my parents to do that since they move about almost as much as I do! Maybe not quite as much, but they're all over the show. 

In the last five years or so, I've definitely changed who I am already. I've become that adventure seeking, pierced and tattooed, nature loving vegan, black sheep of the family. The friend that travels the world and comes home every now and then, sometimes with presents. But I don't think I could have it any other way.