Looking out the window on to the dark streets of Brisbane, listening to the FIFA World Cup being played upstairs and having the peace and quiet of only one other person in the hostel sitting at the table beside me...I wonder what my life is now.
 |
There are a couple of people who have judged me for leaving Scotland for the reason that I'm bored so clearly nothing/no one is good enough for me there, whilst others have told me that they are jealous and wish they could just up and leave the way I have done. What no one realises is....I don't have one clear reason why I left. I can't decide whether I'm running from something, running towards something or completely lost and wandering. I feel as though it's more of a concoction of all three scenarios.
In the last seven years since leaving my parents home, moving to Edinburgh and going through University I've changed so much as a person. I don't even recognise myself in comparison to the girl who walked through the door of her student halls in 2011. If I'd told her we would fly off to Australia one day with no plan other than to go explore, I would say you're crazy. There's no way I would have the confidence, the courage or the balls in any sense to pull off such a stunt. Yet here I am watching the world in Australia go by at almost 1am because jet lags a bitch.
(You can tell the rains started and the footballs hit a crucial point as a swarm of people head through the hostel lobby from different directions. No one takes up residence beside me at the table however so my thoughts continue to ramble on.)
Whilst walking through the Botanical Gardens earlier in the day, I had a conversation about why I decided to come to Australia. I said I needed to get away from Scotland, learn something new, as a career for me is non existent at the moment, but also I want to find something new. That sounds so vague I know but after seven years in Edinburgh every day feels the same. Although yes I meet new people and sometimes go off to do new things, it's not quite different enough. After five years of being someones other half, I feel like I need time to find myself as a whole again.
I was asked by a friend when was the last time I wrote something that I was so happy with and enjoyed writing about? The truth shocked me as I realised that I wasn't sure the last time I truly put my heart and soul in to my writing. I write things but then censor half the post so I don't sound like a lunatic or don't offend anyone. That's not why I started writing this blog years ago though - it was a place to write whatever I wanted! A creative outlet for me whilst I worked dead end full time jobs so I could still enjoy what I went to University to study. I forgot about my love along the way as I doubted myself and my reasons for bothering to do this. I feel now that wasn't so much the fault of my writing but simply the people I put my trust in to be there for me and support me.
I guess I left Scotland because I wanted to run from the past that held me back, run towards the chance to learn something new in life and about myself . To do all of this...it's time to let the wanderlust roam free.
Comments
Post a Comment