New Zealand is out of a lockdown, I'm back to serving people beer in a tourist town and life has resumed as normal. To a degree.
I think it's absolutely insane when you sit and think about where this country was a couple of months ago. We officially went to a level 4 lock down on 25th March and where you were staying was where you were now living. That was a Wednesday and I was supposed to move to a new house on the Sunday - naturally that didn't happen. So life went on hold and froze for almost seven weeks until we were at a liveable level 2 halfway through May. A month later and we were a solid level 1 - not completely in the clear and fully expecting more cases to emerge as the borders open more and more, but it's a new way of living.
First Days Out
One of the great things about coming back out of lock down again has been seeing everyone. I don't even mean all of my friends and people I already knew (although obviously it's been amazing seeing them again). The regulars at the bar that I stood and had a conversation with for five minutes whilst polishing glasses, the random travellers that asked how a Scottish girl ended up in a craft beer bar in Rotorua and the people just filling the shops, not trying to give way to you like you had the plague. Living in what felt like a ghost town was very unsettling and not something I would like to experience again. I can be a massive introvert - I need my space and time alone. But the only reason I need that space is because my social battery has been drained. I'm not good on my own for too long - my brain goes to places that I'd rather it didn't. Places that are sometimes hard to get back from.
So what do I need? I need people. I need distractions and I need to remember the life that goes on outside of my own mind.
The Lock Down
I've discovered that the lock down went different ways for different people (obviously). After a month out with actual human interaction with someone that isn't my mother (love you mum, but...people!) I've gotten to hear the stories about what everyone did with their time.
Some people were living on their own so made the excuse of going to their parents for WiFi to be able to work, some worked on a farm so had plenty of company and work to keep them going. Others were on call for emergencies during the time and could still be working about 25 hours every week to keep up with demands.
What did I do? Well I read some books, I watched the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) in timeline order from Captain America to Infinity War (Time ran out and I missed out Endgame at the end but I'm going to get round to it. Breaks my heart and I can't handle all those feels ok?!) I started learning a new language that I've been wanting to know for years. I tried to be that productive person that everyone was posting online...it felt like everyone had to be making the most of this time.
The Struggles
What I learnt is that everyone was going to deal with that time alone in different ways. And some of us were going to struggle. And that is ok. I'll openly admit now that I struggled being alone for that length of time. I get very stuck inside my own head and have done for years. My anxiety levels went through the roof at various points for absolutely no reason - like just going to the supermarket on my own. And no it wasn't because I was afraid of catching covid; I was scared of the rules, the new normal that I didn't really know.
That's where a lot of my anxiety springs from. New situations. If I'm going to something on my own, if I'm going somewhere new, if I'm unsure about how something is going to play out. The fear of the unknown.
I saw a tik tok the other day that said most people with anxiety watch the same movies and programs over and over again because they already know what's going to happen. And I have never felt so personally attacked by a tik tok in my life! Because it was true.
Do I let the anxiety stop me from living my life? Most of the time absolutely not. I've worked abroad for my favourite company. I moved to go to University. I ended a toxic relationship and went travelling before moving abroad. I don't let it get me down but at the same time, I am very aware of it being there.
My friend told me that she remembers high school Caitlin, the one who was always the optimist and the dreamer. Now I'm bitter and jaded without even realising half the time which is sad; I still like to think I'm the optimistic dreamer that I used to be. But the more I think about it, the more I realise she is right.
If the lock down taught me anything it's that
I think it's absolutely insane when you sit and think about where this country was a couple of months ago. We officially went to a level 4 lock down on 25th March and where you were staying was where you were now living. That was a Wednesday and I was supposed to move to a new house on the Sunday - naturally that didn't happen. So life went on hold and froze for almost seven weeks until we were at a liveable level 2 halfway through May. A month later and we were a solid level 1 - not completely in the clear and fully expecting more cases to emerge as the borders open more and more, but it's a new way of living.
First Days Out
One of the great things about coming back out of lock down again has been seeing everyone. I don't even mean all of my friends and people I already knew (although obviously it's been amazing seeing them again). The regulars at the bar that I stood and had a conversation with for five minutes whilst polishing glasses, the random travellers that asked how a Scottish girl ended up in a craft beer bar in Rotorua and the people just filling the shops, not trying to give way to you like you had the plague. Living in what felt like a ghost town was very unsettling and not something I would like to experience again. I can be a massive introvert - I need my space and time alone. But the only reason I need that space is because my social battery has been drained. I'm not good on my own for too long - my brain goes to places that I'd rather it didn't. Places that are sometimes hard to get back from.
So what do I need? I need people. I need distractions and I need to remember the life that goes on outside of my own mind.
The Lock Down
I've discovered that the lock down went different ways for different people (obviously). After a month out with actual human interaction with someone that isn't my mother (love you mum, but...people!) I've gotten to hear the stories about what everyone did with their time.
Some people were living on their own so made the excuse of going to their parents for WiFi to be able to work, some worked on a farm so had plenty of company and work to keep them going. Others were on call for emergencies during the time and could still be working about 25 hours every week to keep up with demands.
What did I do? Well I read some books, I watched the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) in timeline order from Captain America to Infinity War (Time ran out and I missed out Endgame at the end but I'm going to get round to it. Breaks my heart and I can't handle all those feels ok?!) I started learning a new language that I've been wanting to know for years. I tried to be that productive person that everyone was posting online...it felt like everyone had to be making the most of this time.
The Struggles
What I learnt is that everyone was going to deal with that time alone in different ways. And some of us were going to struggle. And that is ok. I'll openly admit now that I struggled being alone for that length of time. I get very stuck inside my own head and have done for years. My anxiety levels went through the roof at various points for absolutely no reason - like just going to the supermarket on my own. And no it wasn't because I was afraid of catching covid; I was scared of the rules, the new normal that I didn't really know.
That's where a lot of my anxiety springs from. New situations. If I'm going to something on my own, if I'm going somewhere new, if I'm unsure about how something is going to play out. The fear of the unknown.
I saw a tik tok the other day that said most people with anxiety watch the same movies and programs over and over again because they already know what's going to happen. And I have never felt so personally attacked by a tik tok in my life! Because it was true.
Do I let the anxiety stop me from living my life? Most of the time absolutely not. I've worked abroad for my favourite company. I moved to go to University. I ended a toxic relationship and went travelling before moving abroad. I don't let it get me down but at the same time, I am very aware of it being there.
My friend told me that she remembers high school Caitlin, the one who was always the optimist and the dreamer. Now I'm bitter and jaded without even realising half the time which is sad; I still like to think I'm the optimistic dreamer that I used to be. But the more I think about it, the more I realise she is right.
If the lock down taught me anything it's that
- I'm more of a social butterfly than I thought I was
- Making the time to do the things you like is important, especially once you start working and getting busy again
- There's a kindness in our communities that we all never knew existed
The lock down is not something that I would like to go back in to, which I think is something that most people would agree with me on. No one can really tell what's about to happen with the rest of this year. The borders will re-open at some point, more cases will arrive but the cases around the world will hopefully start to take a dip. Everyone is getting used to the new normal, the not knowing whats around the corner (which is the scariest part). But I definitely appreciate being in New Zealand right now where we have a relatively good version of life again.
Stay safe beautiful people
You can be jaded and a still a dreamer. We don’t get through life without a few scrapes and bruises on the way it just shows us where we’ve been and where we are now. The fact that your friend is still along for the ride shows you haven’t changed all that much, not at the core. Love “your friend” ��❤️
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